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Diabetes and Dating
By Karen Grishaber
Diabetes makes you deal with many issues – not only physical, but also emotional and psychological – including those that crop up when dating.
I have Type 1 diabetes, and I’ve always been single. Fortunately, I’ve never had anyone back away from me because of my diabetes. I have always been open about my condition, pulling out my supplies and checking my blood sugar right in front of my date. I look at it as a chance to educate others.
But not all single people with diabetes feel the same way. Many are reluctant to disclose their condition. Since dating is am important subject to those of us who are single, I thought it might be helpful to look into this issue and share what I discovered. I based this article, first of all, on my own experience. In addition, I conducted a survey of registered dietitians who are single and have diabetes. Lastly, I interviewed two non-healthcare professionals with the disease:
- Jay, a 37-year-old lawyer and Ironman athlete who was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at 24. Jay married at the age of 27, and began dating again after a divorce.
- Chris, a 39-year-old marketing professional who has had Type 1 diabetes since graduating from college. He dated while having diabetes until he married at age 30 and, like Jay, started dating again following a divorce.
When Jay was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at 24, it became a major issue for him in dating. He hid his diabetes from his dates, even after they had gone out several times. In fact, Jay kept his diabetes secret for months while dating the woman he eventually married. Jay wants his dates to get to know him as a person instead of forming an opinion based on the disease. He also notes that he doesn’t want his dates to “freak out.”
After a while, Jay admits, hiding his diabetes starts to feel deceptive. And, eventually, something usually comes up to force the issue. A few months into dating, Jay and his former wife were celebrating at a nice restaurant where Jay found himself staring at the flaming baked Alaska she had ordered. There was no fast-acting insulin back then, and Jay couldn’t eat the dessert without risking sky-high blood sugars. The evening was a disaster because Jay wasn’t prepared to discuss the situation. He eventually “fessed up,” of course, to avoid any wrong assumptions.
Another case of forced disclosure occurred when Jay and a different girlfriend were traveling together. Looking for something in his suitcase, she found his syringes. You can bet that took some explaining!
Disclosure is not an issue with the girl Jay is dating now - he had a "coming-out” party when he got involved with the American Diabetes Association. But the first time she saw him experience an insulin reaction, it frightened her. She became quite emotional, not knowing how to handle it or how to help him. Once his blood glucose level returned to normal, Jay explained that insulin reactions do happen at times and told her what she needed to do. Now she is able to “read” him and anticipate when his blood glucose level might be dropping. It has turned into a positive aspect of their relationship.
Chris, on the other hand, has always approached diabetes directly with his dates right from the start. For one thing, wearing a pump on his belt makes it rather obvious. He feels that if someone can’t love or accept him because of diabetes, it isn’t the type of relationship he wants. While nothing has really forced disclosure in Chris’s case, he can imagine that intimacy would be a trigger for many people, especially pump users.
Most of the dietitians I surveyed say they disclose their diabetes when the opportunity presents itself – usually by the third or fourth date - and not earlier unless something obvious prompts it, such as eating schedules, episodes of hypoglycemia or needing to explain unusual behavior. Several admitted that the younger they were, the longer it took to address the issue.
As for myself, my very first encounter back on the dating scene after my diagnosis was fortunately with another person with diabetes who showed me a painless way to inject my insulin. While I generally recommend disclosure, for me that means face-to-face. A past member of many dating Web sites, I do not include the information in my profile or in initial online communications. Once we meet, though, I tell my date about my diabetes, usually prompted by my need to check my blood sugar level and inject, since we often meet at a restaurant.
Making “extra” trips to the restroom to check or inject during a date can be a nuisance and can lead to embarrassment for some. Carrying extra food, testing supplies and insulin can sometimes affect not only what to do or where to go on a date, but also what to wear – especially if you’re an insulin pump user wearing a form-fitting cocktail dress. However, most pumps today are so small they can be worn discreetly - in or under clothing. Many single people with diabetes who wear a pump find dating is actually less traumatic because the pump gives them the flexibility to eat when they choose. Using a touch or audio bolus button or remote device to deliver your meal bolus also makes this far less noticeable. Insulin pens are yet another way to simplify the supplies you carry and make injection somewhat more discreet.
Some dietitians pointed to positive aspects of dating with diabetes, such as getting past the “chit-chat” to have a more personal conversation. One dietitian even felt her diabetes was sometimes a “selling point” in establishing a relationship because dates were often impressed with all she accomplished while also living with and managing diabetes.
Another dietitian remembers two different men who stopped seeing her after learning about her diabetes. Although it was painful to her at the time, she says “It was just as well, because neither was worth losing sleep over.”
Jay has not encountered any really bad reactions to the news. If anything, he finds people to be just misinformed about diabetes - as in expecting certain-blindness - which he addresses immediately. He has never had the feeling there was a stigma associated with diabetes – perhaps because he’s so proactive about correcting any misconceptions his date may have.
Chris, also, would be surprised if someone chose not to date him because of the disease. “While there are certain potential challenges that can reveal themselves, anyone can be stricken with a malady at any time. I just happen to have one now.” Most of the time people simply react with curiosity.
In hindsight, none of the three of us has any regrets about how we’ve handled this issue.
Getting control of your diabetes so you can minimize how much it complicates your life is what Jay recommends most. “Laying diabetes problems on someone you’re dating is placing too much of a burden on them.”
Chris emphasizes honesty. He also says it’s critical to project confidence in your ability to control your diabetes. “If your attitude toward diabetes is doom-and-gloom, that’s what you will project, possibly repelling the other person. Show that it’s a manageable disease you have under control, and your date is less likely to panic.”
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